So ... today I was feeling somewhat thoughtful, perhaps a bit whiny, and most definitely self-absorbed. I think I got it worked out, more or less; as much as it could be, at least. But of course I'm going to write about it anyway. XD;;

Part of it was the typical (for me, at least) "What the hell can I DO?" train of thought. I think I posted a few months ago about that line in KareKano, where Yukino thinks about what she's good at: school. And how her friends all have their passions that they've been pursuing, and they're well on their way to deciding what they want to do with their lives. She says "All I'm good at is getting good grades," and her friends are like "'All'? o.o;;" But I understand what she means. When you're in school, grades *do* feel like everything, and consequently if you're not good at that, it's easy to feel like you can't do anything. But when you're *out* of school ... well, it's just as easy to feel like you have no talents of worth. You're not necessarily "smart" if you do well in school -- and I don't say that to be disparaging of those who do; I say it because I am one of those people. There are lots of things that I can take tests on, and do well, but I don't really *know*. There are also a lot of things I just don't know at all. And that was sort of gnawing at me.

But ... I know it's not as worthless as I sometime make it seem. Sure, grades are pretty unimportant after a certain point in your life. But there are things that go into it -- discipline, comprehension skills, ability to *learn* things. Heck, even the ability to adapt to difficult teachers or decipher obscure directions. :P And so, it *does* have its worth -- maybe not as much as it seems while in school, but definitely book-smarts are good. ^_^;

Other thing I was thinking about: my Health teacher in junior year once talked about comfort zones, and how some people avoid doing things they don't know they'll at least be a little good at. And maybe this relates to what I was just talking about; perhaps the reason I don't feel I have many substantial skills to speak of is because I'm halfway afraid to go out and develop them -- because that means *trying* them. But yeah, I am very much one of those people. It's why I don't take totally random classes in which I have no discernable skill; why I don't do sports (though part of it is that I just don't *like* sports :P); why I don't sing in public; why, in a way, I'm terrified of ever getting kissed. It's not like I cower and cringe at the prospect of doing something new, but I do know that when certain things come up and I feel a vague sense of reluctance that has no real logical basis ... that's what it is. And I try; I definitely try to give myself a good kick in the butt when I can tell I'm waffling about something on that basis. But sometimes, it's not so easy to tell.

I mean, a relationship is definitely something I want. But does that overcome my inner terror over the new kind of interpersonal connection that requires? Not so much. ^_^;; I think that's why I stopped having "crushes" -- part of it is that, yes, I'm no longer in middle school and I no longer decide that I like a guy just because he's cute and I can giggle over him. I know there's more to a relationship ... and so I wait for something more real to develop. I know there's more to a relationship ... and so that's somewhat worrisome. I was talking to neko-chan about it (yeah, her and me on romance -- go fig) and I think ... no, I'm quite certain I hold back. Sort of sabotage myself, if that makes sense. If I'm interested in someone, I'll always end up finding a reason to declare to myself that it won't work, or that it's not a "true" attraction (whatever the heck THAT means) ...

And the thing is, I can't quite bring myself to say that I want to change that. Even though, in a sense, it's just like everything else I'm afraid of trying, but really should. Because, you know, on the one hand, there's that line from Savage Garden's "Affirmation" that I've always liked: "I believe you can't appreciate real love till you've been burned." And on the other (much safer and more comfortable and familiar-looking) hand, I think why the hell do I want to know what that's like? I'm sure "once burned, twice shy" is true; but having no idea what it's like at *all* can also really facilitate the building up of an irrational and insurmountable fear on its own. Has it prevented Bad Things? Yes it has. Has it also probably prevented the chance for Very Good Things? Oh yes my dear.

But can I make myself stop doing this? I don't know. If and when I finally do have a relationship, it will probably not help that I've gone eighteen years without experiencing one, and learning the ground rules for this not-friend, not-family, something-frustratingly-but-wonderfully-new interaction. (Of course, my potential future SO probably wouldn't be very nice if he held that against me, now would he? >.>) I really don't know if I could've had a boyfriend in high school or middle school if I'd gone all out and really tried (let alone if I could get one *now* ^_^;). But, to put it in harsh and utilitarian terms, it would have at least been nice to have gotten some experience.

And oh, I don't know if I even want a relationship at the moment, because I'm concentrating on college and other important life stuff. End result: I'm a hesitant, indecisive bonehead. And I don't know whether to kick myself to get moving, or just kick myself. XD;;