This actually applies to what you wrote, too. I mean, I've known for a long time what your choices concerning alcohol are, as you've known mine. I can't say I'm perfectly happy with it, but it *is* your decision; and at the very least, you're not binge drinking or driving drunk. ^_^;;; What I said last entry applies here: I will give advice if asked for, and intervene if I see dangerous behavior, but I shouldn't meddle in the lives of my friends. It's hard; sometimes I have to bite my tongue >_>, but if I want to respect either my friend or myself then going into a howling rampage when they disagree with me isn't the way to go about it.

And I thought I was through with the topic, but I have to respond to something you said. (Really, if this were an RL conversation, I'd be going on for hours. ^_^;) I *like* love songs and love poems. Especially love poems. XD And I don't have any issue with that, because on the whole I don't think they act as embodiments of what we've been talking about. I mean, devotion is a common theme, but I don't recall seeing any songs with lyrics along the lines of "you hold the threads of my sanity together by your sheer presence" or anything. >_> Sure, there are songs about how love inspires ("Because You Loved Me" comes to mind ... and I like that song, because it's great to think that someone can awaken so much in you -- whether that love is romantic or familial) but not how it acts as a crutch. (And while we're on that topic -- romance novels. *Ick.* XP Typically you have a strong and self-sufficient heroine who finds a man to love who helps her through some trial or heals some past wound, and suddenly she's a weak and helpless doll who requires him to protect her or sustain her self-worth. X_x) And e.e. cummings' "somewhere i have never travelled," or Neruda's love sonnets, which are some of my favorites of all time -- I like the intensity they evoke, the idea that you can love someone and they can have that impact on you. Mostly -- at least as I take it -- they're describing a specific instant, or an abstract feeling. Yes, it's "I love/want/need you," but it's not "I need you with me all the time right by my side and if you're not I'll curl up and whimper." I don't want a stalker, or someone who obsessively attends my every whim in order to feign such devotion. (*sigh* I hope I don't sound like I'm putting conditions on it, like "my boyfriend can't do this or this or this"; that's not what I mean ... ^_^;;)

I don't know, maybe it sounds like I'm splitting hairs; but to me there's a fundamental difference. I guess the best way I can think of to say it is that love is great, and should make you complete when it's present; like with friends or family, when you love someone romantically they make you happy, you want to be with them, and you miss them when they're not there. But it's not like there's a gaping hole in you with a "Vacancy" sign waiting in *anticipation* of a boyfriend/girlfriend ... I can understand and sympathize with being a bit wistful for romance, but pining constantly isn't healthy. O.o All these love songs and poems, the sentiment can be shared about friends and family -- it just bothers me when people try to act like romantic love is the only way you can get this happiness. By saying "more than friends" (which is an iffy phrase, anyway, that would seem to assume that all my friends are potential lovers), what are you "more than"? Are you supposed to hang around them more than with your friends? Like them more than your friends? Have more fun? etc. It's all love. It's all good. ^_^

(Which isn't to say I like *all* love songs. I've never liked "When a Man Loves a Woman," ever since I was little. Especially the line, "If she is bad he can't see it" ... I mean, would you really *want* a guy who wouldn't tell you if you were glaringly wrong? Though I guess if you were actively mean-spirited you wouldn't care if your boyfriend was spineless, but really.)

Friday, September 20, 2002
04:57 p.m.

Chapter 5 is up. XD (About damn time, I know. XD;;) And the sad thing is, it's been sitting on my disk for weeks now, just a few sentences short of completion. Because I'm an idiot, and I kept trying to think of ways to shove more plot in, then realized that pretty much the entire chapter is a bunch of talking heads and information-sharing, and it would be best to end it where it was. XP And while finishing the next chapter before I leave for school would be absolutely lovely and ego-boosting, the possibility of that is iffy. It'd all be so much easier if we had a chapter outline, or at least a general plan ... but, well, you can't have everything. ^_~;;

Of course I'll be here to give you a good smack on the head if you need it, Lili-chan. XD In all seriousness, though, I'm here if you ever want to talk, for advice or whatever. I don't know, I have a tendency to ... well, meddle. As in, when my friends are unhappy I want to fix it. Myself. ^_^;; So I don't want to judge you or control your behavior; but since I consider that an Unhealthy Tendency I'd definitely be glad to help, though only if you're not happy. If that makes sense. ^_^; Because letting your friends live their own lives is definitely a good thing. :p Though as for myself, I wouldn't hesitate to dump any guy who tried to alter his identity or mine for the sake of 'love.' Because that's not love as I have known it and hope for, but love for the sake of 'being in love,' commitment for the sake of commitment. To put it bluntly, I like breathing space. n.n Devotion is good, but being clingy is not -- I want a boyfriend, not a puppy dog. If either of us fails to retain the identity that first drew the affection of the other, then what's the point?

Of course, I'm purely hypothesizing, with absolutely no experience to back it up. -_-;; But still, I can't imagine ever wanting that kind of codependency with *anyone*. Friend or boyfriend. If I'm refusing to take up drinking or drugs or smoking, why would I want to head straight for a different kind of addiction?

I sound like such a cynic, don't I? ^_^;; It's not that I don't want to have a boyfriend, and fall in love ... I just don't hinge my every breath on the prospect. I won't hunt down a partner just to be able to say I'm 'in love.' If and when it comes, then it'll come, and hopefully make me happy.

Thursday, September 19, 2002
09:32 p.m.

If I could have a singing voice like anyone in the world, it would be Lea Salonga's. (Or Sakamoto Maaya's, but at least my voice is somewhat-vaguely-relatively more similar to Lea's as it is.) Her version of "Someone to Watch Over Me" is absolutely lovely and relaxing. That's all I wanted to say. ^_^

Thursday, September 19, 2002
03:45 p.m.

And I bet by now your mother is no longer worried about letting you go off to college. Or at least is less worried. I mean, far be it from me to make any pronouncements about transcending youthful ignorance when I'm, well, still a youth -- but I know a lot of teenagers who don't even understand as much about themselves as you and Tomo-san do. (And if by chance you see this, er, hi. *waves to Tomo-san*)

I wish I had the strength to always be happy like you do; or at least, to never lose sight of ... the possibility of it? its presence? ('Hope' seems like such a melodramatic word. ^_^;;) Sometimes it takes someone else, or even me, giving myself a good kick in the pants to get me out of a funk. Not depression, I would say ... I don't *think* that's ever happened to me. o.o Though I think/hope I've been getting better at that.

I agree most definitely with what you said about 'teenage' romance (though I'm sure the affliction isn't limited to people under 20). I've discussed this before with a friend (and if you're reading this, hi!! I'll call you soon :D), and one of the things both of us want to avoid in a marriage (if-and-when) is being designated as part of a unit. Unable to make decisions or even be anywhere without the significant other ... it's all great if your spouse is your best friend, and I'd love for that to happen; I certainly don't want one of those marriages where the husband sits on the couch watching sports with friends and the wife has to go elsewhere and chat with her girlfriends. But at the same time, I will probably have other best friends -- I *want* to, in fact. I've had more than one best friend for almost as long as I can remember (and if you count neechan, then it *has* been as long as I can remember), and I certainly don't plan on changing that because that's what couples are 'supposed' to do. Even if it's what *he* wants -- and if that's the case, I'd be running and not looking back. >_< I *like* having alone time away from friends and even family, once in a while. Hinging your happiness on the presence of another person -- on that one, single person -- sounds unhealthy. XP

What bothers me is when a person will change themselves for their boy-/girlfriend. And I don't mean cases where love inspires you to become a better person -- helps you change to become happier with yourself and all that. (Though that can just as well happen with friends, too -- they help you grow, inspire strength, or even just open you up to different perspectives.) I mean when a couple will ... merge in identity. o.o They alter their behavior/appearance/friends/etc. in order to keep the other one 'happy.' They'll fixate, obsess; stay with someone who cheats on them or otherwise hurts them because "I love him/her!" I hate to sound clinical, but I would ask that person *why?* They don't have to be completely logical reasons; if there's one thing I've picked up from observation it's that love is hardly consistently logical. But really, shouldn't there be some sort of answer you can give? "S/he makes me happy" would work ... "S/he feeds my addiction" doesn't. XP I've seen Jerry Maguire, I think the "You complete me" line is romantic; but I still think you should be a healthy and whole person otherwise. We don't spend twenty-odd years of our lives growing and learning about ourselves just to toss it out the window for a soulmate. I plan to have a solid identity *outside* of any relationship I have. I don't consider that disrespectful to my hypothetical significant other, or a lack of commitment; on the contrary, I think that would be the utmost offering of respect and love.

Right. Just think how much I'd have to say when I actually get into a relationship. ¬_¬

Wednesday, September 18, 2002
08:31 p.m.

I really shouldn't be here because I have absolutely nothing to say ... but this is quite amusing. XD

Thanks for the well-wishes, Lili-chan, and I'm glad you're having such a good time. (But -- free time? How??) It's my goal to be (relatively) outgoing and actively meet people; though you've always been better at being social than me, anyway. Which is to say nothing about the tendency of certain kitties to strike up conversations with random strangers. ^_~

Oh, right -- gotta plug. Four Cats from Tin. I think it's a great idea, and I'd love to see it when it comes up. As for participating ... wouldn't that be excellent practice, to do something voluntary, yet with some sort of pressure that's one step up from a self-imposed deadline (a.k.a. a lack thereof, for me XP). Perhaps I'll wait until a couple of weeks into school, so I can judge how much free time I have ... but ooh, wouldn't it be fun.

Tuesday, September 17, 2002
03:14 p.m.

New layout, duh. Some profundity after all; at least I didn't go for pure eye candy this time. This is the second time I've used Maaya, but she's just so photogenic. XD

Thanks to Tin-san for the mp3s -- I haven't downloaded any complete files yet, but they sound good so far.