Sunday, July 7, 2002
In my ruminations last night I touched upon something which I've considered before extensively but hadn't seriously examined as of recently. And that something is -- romance. No, really. >_> I mean, I haven't thought about it very deeply in a while. Sure, in my fangirlish forays concerning RuroKen and Alice 19th and FuruBa ... but frankly, for me personally the subject hasn't even come up. I am in fact one of those socially stunted folks who hasn't had a relationship to speak of -- not that I dwell on it, because fixating the whole of my self-worth upon love or a (un)reasonable facsimile is basically the same as deciding that my identity is based on how well I can or cannot attract/satisfy/appeal to a single other person, and *that* is just stupid. Actually, it's more than that -- it is stupendously *silly*. XP Anyway, I know now -- and have known for a while, really -- that a large part of the blame for that rests squarely on me; not because of a lack of pheromones but because of my chronic turtle shelling. I *have* been presented with opportunities that, for other people, would have led to something -- maybe not perfect or long-lasting but it would have been a chance. I can remember specific instances from back in sixth grade to quite recently. But every time I've shied away when exhiliration solidified into more concrete possibility. (I took that animal survey, which determined I was a bat, and said this: "bats are enamored with the idea of love more than they are with its colder realities.") And, I'll admit, part of what causes me to pull back isn't just fear, but ... well, I don't want to say *boredom*, because that implies some sort of lofty weariness of the whole enterprise, which I'm of course not experienced enough with to be weary *of* ... but the appeal simply isn't as riveting. I'm more likely to become immediately excited by some cause of righteousness or other pursuit of ideas (again, there's that word). Which isn't to say I'm not interested at all -- I'm a teenager, I've got the hormones and sparklies and shoujo fantasies -- but, I don't know, maybe it's just that part of me thinks that if a romance is to be worth all the trouble, it better damn well be good.

And then, of course, this could all mean that I just need a little experience, a taste of the good parts, to make me more enthusiastic. I can't, after all, in any seriousness believe I have any solid answers, about either the abstract idea of love as a whole or my own feelings toward it ... You know, if this were a movie, this would be precisely the point at which some determined and sonnet-spouting teen idol-prince would come to whisk away my coolly jaded veneer and awaken my long-buried Need For Love~~ <3<3<3 or something like that. XD;;

But no, I'm really not that cynical. Not even about movies -- like stereotypes, they're based on some grain of reality, after all. I don't necessarily expect it to happen to me, but I've seen enough to believe in possibilities. That, perhaps, you can make your own 'movie' happen. If that at all makes sense.

In other news, I rather like the word 'halcyon.' (Here the screeching tires of the abrupt subject change! XD) I read it in a book today and realized, though I knew the word, I'd never used it myself, and I'd really like to. That's all. ^_^