chicken scratch v.13 ~~~ itsuka kitto

@_@;;

I'm registering now. Like, right at this moment. And I've got two of my classes secured and am waiting to leave and get an add code for first-year Japanese (though I haven't the faintest idea WHY I should need one), so of course I'm blogging. ^_^;; Registration has been rather uneventful otherwise ... though I saw one girl from my high school -- from AP, in fact -- and it just finally struck me how I'll never experience high school again. Not even AP -- we could possibly gather sometime this summer, but it's doubtful we'd all be together at once, and certainly not with that familiar, comfortable atmosphere from when we all sat together in class, not necessarily prepared for a specific purpose but just relaxed together and knowing that our teacher would come in late, or someone would say something to make us laugh ...

Of all the things I'll miss about high school, I'll miss that the most. In fact, I was considering joining a Freshman Interest Group because it puts you together with the same group of students for all your classes. Just like AP. Is that sick or what? XD;;

kanjite ikiteru +++ 10:22 a.m. on Thursday, June 27, 2002

This has probably been the most eventful week of the school year for me, and yet I haven't had the time to properly blog about it. Makes sense, I suppose. ^_^; And there isn't much to say, anyway. I've graduated -- just for those out there who may have doubted XD -- and the senior party was pretty fun. It totally threw off my internal clock, though, and now I have to get it back on track so I can be up at godawful hours (read: 7:00 a.m.) for my UW orientation starting Wednesday.

I haven't done a thing that even approaches productive, though ... just attended enough graduation parties to last me for a long time (and it's not even that they were wild and crazy; I think I'm just old XD;;). No new layout (though I'm thinking about doing something from an old series, for the sake of nostalgia) or writing (I don't believe I've touched Ashes 5 in a month ^_^;;) ...

And speaking of writing -- neko-chan, touch! XD -- I'd have to say most of Tsaiko-san's questions earn little more than a blank stare from me. ^_^; Because really, most of the fic I write is comprised of one-shots (and most of what I write is fic, period, because I'm a lazy bum who can't be bothered creating her own worlds XD;;), and I don't usually do much planning at all. I get ideas, but when I actually get to the point where I sit down and write, I've been driven by a -- feeling. Not a plot, per se -- which is why I usually end up staring blankly at the screen trying to come up with something that'll fill more than two pages and actually follow the form of a short story. XP But it's worth it, I think, because if it doesn't result in a better story it at least makes *me* feel better as I'm writing it. Like I can more believe I've got something approaching a Muse that's guiding my writing.

I always use third person limited. Always. Because when I try to use omnipotent it invariably slides into limited anyway. O_o First person, to me, seems more like 3rd-limited than 3rd-limited does to 3rd-omnipotent ... I wish I could plan things from start to finish, but more often I have a bunch of major events to use as stepping stones, with vast and immeasurable gulfs of vagueness in between. (Yes, I'm referring specifically to Ashes XD;;) As for the other questions, I think they lend themselves more to specific cases and environments that allow extended back-and-forth discussion. Actually, Tsaiko-san, I'm quite glad you brought up this topic -- I've *always* wanted to sit around like the wannabe bohemian I am and do nothing but talk about writing ... But I guess since that's unlikely I'll settle for a blog-based discussion. ^_^

kanjite ikiteru +++ 10:43 p.m. on Monday, June 24, 2002

So in approximately four hours I will have finally and irrevocably departed from high school ... but onto talking about more important things, like books. ^_~ I'm in love love love Pastwatch, and would highly recommend it to anyone else. Especially Clara-san -- seeing as it was your quoting on your LJ that really piqued my interest in OSC stuff anyway -- though I don't know if you've read it already. I think it'd be right up your alley, though; it's got issues of sociology and related moral ambiguities and the like. ^_^

And also, for Meimi-san and as a general plug: I have read and thoroughly enjoyed the first chapter of Bound. The storyline is muchly intriguing. I like your usage of screentone, and PANELS. Ooh, panels. XD My only minor minor gripe is that Toshi and Rekka have such similar hairstyles that it can be difficult to tell them apart, making the ending scene a touch less dramatic. But that's just nitpicking, of course; on the whole it's wonderful.

Eh. Graduation now in a little less than four hours ... And so here I go. I'm ready, I think.

Well, I *know* I'm ready for this. It's just what comes after that I'm not so sure about. ^_~

kanjite ikiteru +++ 04:21 p.m. on Thursday, June 20, 2002

Graduation rehearsal was today -- we were like trained monkeys being told where to walk and how to shake hands ... I don't expect this to be much of a fun or entertaining ceremony, let alone a celebratory one. Quote from the principal: "[The graduation speaker] is offended by beachballs." XD;;

It's hard for me to feel the drama and magnitude of all this. The good thing about having stuff like graduation and rehearsal and awards night *after* the last day of school is that I still get to see the people in my classes whom I wouldn't necessarily see otherwise ... but at the same time it precludes any real sense of finality when everything sort of trickles down. I dunno, maybe at the party I'll have an emotional breakdown or something. XD;;

... I am *so* behind on email. T_T

kanjite ikiteru +++ 02:08 p.m. on Wednesday, June 19, 2002

Hisashiburi. o.o So, my weekend with as little elaboration as possible:

Friday was my last day of school. @_@ It's over and done ... and I didn't really feel sad, until later that night when I read my Government teacher's message to all of us in our AP graduation booklet and started bawling. ^_^; It's not that she was saying things about goodbyes and leaving forever ... just more like a 'thank you' for being her friends. And that's what made me cry. *shrug* After school, a small group of us went to see Windtalkers, which also made me cry. ^_^; It's a pretty good movie -- mostly mediocre, but some parts that stand out. After that we went to the mall and I got this. (When I geek, I geek hard. XD;;)

Friday night was neechan's homecoming, so on Saturday ... we went to the mall again. ^_^;; At the library I borrowed Orson Scott Card's Pastwatch: The Redemption of Christopher Columbus, because I'd had his work recommended to me from so many sources (and The Handmaid's Tale was checked out :P). The concept -- a scientist in an age where the viewing of history is possible seeks to prevent Columbus' discovery of America and therefore much of the European-driven destruction of the world -- intrigued me. Basically, the book is built upon a problem of logic ... with a human dimension. Fifty pages in, and I'm in love. *_* Hm ... that was quite a bit of elaboration. o.o Okay, the rest: bought pants at the Gap for a frickin' good price (and the cashier was hot but he had a femme air about him but didn't actually set off my gay-dar so I think it was all good) and a RuroKen DVD, of the Aoshi/Megumi arc, for ten bucks. ^o^

Sunday was Baccalaureate ... which still failed to drive the reality of graduation home to me. I don't know; it all still feels like we're playing dress-up, like it's something put upon that will fade into illusion the moment we step out of our gowns.

And today -- well, today I got my ears pierced. ^_______^ They're little pearl studs; hopefully I won't get tired of 'em in six weeks. It didn't really hurt much, just what I expected ... Something infinitely less significant, yet utterly more real to me than graduation. ^_^;

Aaand ... tonight is the Senior Awards ceremony, tomorrow afternoon a luncheon for my friend's eighteenth birthday, Wednesday graduation rehearsal, and Thursday night graduation. And that's that. o.o

Also, congratulations to you for getting hanashika.com and all its various and sundry parts up and running. And *patpat* to you, with the hopes that the registration shiznat is all clearing up.

I need a new layout.

kanjite ikiteru +++ 05:39 p.m. on Monday, June 17, 2002

I have exactly one day of high school left ... ever. It's hard to describe how I feel about that. I don't have any overwhelming emotion at the moment; yet sometimes, I look at some piece of work from earlier in the year and feel a powerful wave of nostalgia. And yet, it's not that I wish I could do it all over again -- maybe I will in five or ten years, but at the moment it's so clear to me just how far I've come and the progress I'm making now that I don't want to go backwards just yet.

It's funny how almost apathetic I'm feeling. It's not that I'm ready to throw away everything here and charge ahead into college, or that I want to cling to my life as I know it right now. I just ... don't feel much. When I think, This is it. Tomorrow and it's done. For good., I do feel some wistfulness; yet it's oddly muted. I can't bring myself to treasure every single moment tomorrow, if only because school hasn't necessarily been a bucket of sparklies for me day in and day out -- some people I love and classes that are fun, sure, but saying it's all wonderful and cherished memories would be affectation. I'll make sure to enjoy it, though; I don't want to regret not appreciating my last day.

Conclusion? Not much. I'm going to go to school tomorrow, relax (and reject any commands to work in Oceanography because that's just silly), take pictures, and have fun. Possibly have some sort of emotional breakdown Friday night or later in the week ... but I'll take it as it comes. ^_^;

kanjite ikiteru +++ 06:55 p.m. on Thursday, June 13, 2002

Heat, glorious heeeeaaa~~~aat~! XD It supposedly reached 90 degrees today (don't laugh XP) and it's not even humid, so it's quite nice. Haven't gone outside since I got home, though, because knowing me I'm so sickly pale I would undoubtedly acquire the second sunburn of my life. Ź_Ź

Ooh, and last night I got to see The Laramie Project. *_* Well done, definitely yes. Even though I've already read the play and seen the movie, it still made me cry -- saying a lot, because usually I'm jaded and heartless about something after the first viewing. ^_~;; If anyone has a chance to see it, I HIGHLY recommend doing so. Or at least read the play; the author is Moises Kaufman.

Neko-chan, I agree. With what, you may ask? Well, lotsa things. XD;; But first with what you said about arrogance (and Asuka, too, while we're at it XP), because most people don't see the confidence-charisma-arrogance spectrum that clearly. Fandom *is* currently made up largely of touchy teeny-boppers ready to rally to each other's defense at the slightest insult. And, yes, Tooya's a dork. (You have read this fic, yes? XD) From what I've seen of the anime (very little) and manga (a lot more), the manga was much better. 24 episodes was hardly enough, when Fushigi Yuugi got 52 and didn't have any filler. For one thing, you miss out on Shuro. T_T I do muchly prefer Alice 19th (*plugplugplug*), because the romantic leads have so much more personality.

*comforts* Gomen ne ... I'll root for Senegal too. ^_^

Uhyaa ... my aunt and uncle just sent me a substantial amount of graduation gift money. @_@ It's nice, but ... I hate getting money that way. It just feels so unearned (which it is, I guess o.o). Not that I'm able to go out there and earn some on my own ... *sigh* I want to be productive this summer, I really do. Much as I love vegging, I could see myself getting bored in about a week and a half. Even though I want to spend lots of time with my friends, I do want time for myself; and though I do have lots of things to do on my own (like ficcing and drawing for the first time in ages and maybe even *gasp!* orichara stuff), I want to do something challenging. To keep me in mental shape for college, I guess; besides that, I'm just not as able to let myself wallow in ennui as I once was. But ... I'm so intimidated by the prospect of working. >_<

Random ARGH: Why why WHY do people make Megumi out to be such a bitch? I, for one, don't find her "You're not a replacement for Tomoe comment" to be a petty taunt but rather to mean that Kaoru shouldn't worry about comparing to Tomoe because she's a separate person, not a pre-formed plug for the whole in Kenshin's life. After all, Kaoru was obviously uneasy after hearing Kenshin's story, and they'd just had a conversation in which Megumi asked Kaoru if she would do what Tomoe did, then capitulated after Kaoru asserted her own identity. She got in one final jab, then said "Maa, ii wa ..." It follows, doesn't it? It's obvious that Megumi has self-worth issues and struggles with balancing her need for affection with the knowledge that Kenshin needs Kaoru, as well as her own feelings for Kaoru (platonic, I mean, but wouldn't THAT be interesting, hmm?), and she doesn't get it right all the time but Megitsune sarcasm = tanuki penchant for violence = compensation for inadequacy in social relations so GRAR.

kanjite ikiteru +++ 06:31 p.m. on Wednesday, June 12, 2002

So today in Government we watched a motivational video based on Pike's Place fish market. No, really. And -- well, it was pretty lame. The video and accompanying book are called "Fish!" and talk about How to Make a Good Company Like These Fish Guys. Specifically: "Play," "Make Their Day," "Be There," and "Choose Your Attitude," howsoever you choose to interpret all that. (Oh, and there go thousands of dollars of Fish! profits because yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's ALL THERE IS TO IT. XD) Anyhoo, it didn't impress our class too much. I'm probably one of the more credulous of the bunch, and I didn't find it particularly inspiring or innovative (though the fish people seem to have fun ^_^). I mean, really, it's sort of hard to believe people actually shell out money to have other people tell them that to be happy you should ... well, act happy. But I guess some people, especially the burned-out corporate types, need to be told that. And I don't know, maybe we as yet-to-be-severely-jaded young'uns have little tolerance to suffer self-help calculated for the lowest common denominator.

Though I'm not too sure; there are some people who could use the smack upside the head and the "The world isn't out to get YOU, dammit" speech every once in a while. I firmly believe that your attitude makes your experience, if only because of the fact that when I act crappy I feel crappy. And I realize that sounds obvious, but some people I just feel -- ugh! -- DON'T GET IT. I mean, yeah, I'm as ready to get out of here as most people, and no, I don't feel like doing work -- I'm not saying I plaster a smile on my face and "see the good in everything <3<3<3" but ... I don't know. It's not some grand philosophy I have worked out. I just see too much ... negativity? It's not necessarily pessimism or cynicism; I know "pessimistic" people who really are (mostly) pleasant. I guess it's more of a sense of how much a person is willing to put in, and how much they expect to get back.

Ignore me; we wrote reflection essays in English and I'm overflowing here. I expounded a bit more on the whole "experience" concept, which I so eloquently described yesterday. XD;; Anyway, yeah. I haven't been feeling very "reflective" lately, in that I know I'm going to miss it here but so far I've foregone all the trips down memory lane and ponderings on what my life has been so far. I really feel like I should stop and just *think* about what stuff means ... It's probably going to all hit me on Thursday night at the grad party and I'll be a blubbering and/or existentialist mess. "But if we leave now just because they tell us to *hic* then we will simply be mimicking the absurd man *sniffle* ..." XD;;

Lili-chaa~an, glad to see you've joined the masses of slobbering fans awaiting book 5. *nikoniko* Oh, and the mangaka from City Hunter is going to be at AX. (Hey, if I have to whine and cry about not going, other people have to, too. XD;;)

kanjite ikiteru +++ 07:42 p.m. on Monday, June 10, 2002

It's the little things that make me happy: I got a book of e.e. cummings poetry, yay happy -- and it has all his sex poems in their own section, amusingly enough (which I suppose is a good thing because they can be pretty subtle and at least someone reading "she being Brand" for the first time won't have to be thinking "No, he *can't* mean ... could he??" XD;;), as well as some strawberry ice cream mochi. Also another package of dried mangoes -- which is nice, because it brings back con memories, but really, I buy the stuff once and my parents now think of it as my necessary daily allowance of vitamin C. o.O

It's the little things that make me sad: when browsing the phonebooks at Kino's, it occured to me that ShoComi probably came out the same time as the HanaYume -- meaning it would have been there *last* week when I went, and not now, and I probably missed the Alice 19th furoku. T_T Unless that was issue 11, and 12 has yet to come out ... because if not, I missed it altogether. Thus whines the merchandise h0.

But it's the little things that I have enough control over to make the good outweigh the bad. And otherwise ... I only have control over how it all affects me. It's going to happen anyway, and whether it's one of those sorrows that's considered expected and inevitable, or something I could never see coming, I think it's valuable. It's the one point upon which I can't admit that my mother is correct (she *is* right about everything else, though) -- she would rather have us avoid all trouble and have us find our way neatly and easily through life, when I don't think I'd ever be able to know for myself what's good for me, or be able to value it properly, without experience. I really know so little, even for the short time I've been alive, that I crave it. "To suck the marrow from life," you know.

Haven't had a good rant in a long time; I guess this sorta makes up for it. ^_^;

kanjite ikiteru +++ 06:24 p.m. on Sunday, June 9, 2002

It's always better to follow your heart, I think; not because it prevents all troubles, but it leaves you with wounds that can heal instead of regrets that you can never fulfill. Deep thought for the day.

And also, Russell Crow uses the Gokou Juuji in Gladiator. Honestly. XD

kanjite ikiteru +++ 06:19 p.m. on Saturday, June 8, 2002