Neko-chan, I think I know something of what you feel. At least, in terms of the apparent randomness of it hitting you. Maybe it's a balance thing; since you're usually so genki, your bouts of being down hit you harder. :/ No matter what, though, you're entitled; I'm just glad it seems to have passed. All your friends (me included!) are here for you whatever, especially since you're always there for us.

I wish I could say I was as empathetic to you, neechan, but we all know how I've never finished anything major deshou? _o_;; I offer you a quote from Truman Capote, however: "Finishing a book is just like you took a child out in the yard and shot it." Something like that, yes? (And I will read the end of NE; I really want to ... just not tonight. Meteorology project. ^^;;)

Glad to hear things are improving, Vinita-san. *waves "ganbatte!" sign* And yes, I would love it if you could send me the KKJ translations. I've got a fairly good grasp of what's going on, but not so much when they're explaining the backstory, and that sort of hinders other things. ^^; Heh. Rupin, eh? I find myself saying "Ru-pan" in my head sometimes, too, and thinking of when I watched Castle of Cagliostro last spring. XD;;

A friend lent me a CD of music videos, the main reason being for the "Fish Fight" video by Yaen. I only got to see about twenty seconds of it because of the constant interruption of trick-or-treaters (and it is DISTURBING O_o). But I did get to sneak in, while I was theoretically writing my Government essay (which I did get done, eventually >.>), the entire "Mameshiba" video. My friend told me that it was of Sakamoto Maaya being chased by a puppy ... and it IS of Sakamoto Maaya being chased by a puppy. For the entire six-minute video. ¬.¬ I still like the song, and, heck, the puppy was cute, but ... ^^;;

~phoenix went blind at 06:45 p.m. on Thursday, November 1, 2001

Happy Halloween, all. *cringe*

That cringe doesn't come from fears of what might happen tonight in terms of Halloween pranks or anything, because my neighborhood's relatively free from that ... No, that cringe comes because it is now past six o'clock, and that means trick-or-treaters. XO I ph34r trick-or-treaters. I don't really know why. I just have a thing about interacting with new people in such great volume, no matter how short the actual time. I dread it. I dread answering the door continuously for an entire night for a bunch of strangers who I'm sure are quite nice people, but whom I nonetheless do not know. >_< Okay, so that little baby in the tiger suit was cute, but still, I could do without.

I'd imagine there are a bunch of Harry Potter characters out tonight. I'm not sure if any have come by yet, though; I saw one boy who had the taped up glasses, yet no scar.

Speaking of HP, I read the first chapter of PoA today (in Calculus, while I was supposed to be listening to the lesson, but ah well ^_^;). And it occurred to me, that this was the one I'd been waiting for -- however thoroughly I enjoyed the first two, this was Prisoner of Azkaban, which means Sirius and Remus ... There was much (discreet) sparkling to be had. XD

I'll be there, neko-chan! I expect to see you and you too, ne?

Anyone out there read Othello lately? Remember that scene where Iago convinces Othello that Desdemona is having an affair with Cassio, and how he "proves" Cassio's guilt? "In sleep I heard him say 'Sweet Desdemona,/Let us be wary, let us hide our loves.'/And then, sir, would he gripe and wring my hand,/Cry 'O sweet creature!' and then kiss me hard,/As if he plucked up kisses by the roots/That grew upon my lips: then laid his leg/Over my thigh, and sighed, and kissed." When we read that part out loud, the class had a sort of collective "Whoa!" (Can't really blame them. o.o) I, on the other hand, could not help but think of the Mahou Tsukai Tai! OAV, and the time Takeo was sharing a room with Aburatsubo. "Don't sleep don't sleep don't sleep ..." XD XD XD

Okay, okay, I'm off to write my essay. ^_^;;

~phoenix went blind at 06:24 p.m. on Wednesday, October 31, 2001

Can't talk. Writing essay. >_<;;

Ne, neechan, I'd be happy to tell you about HanaKimi 14 and 15, except I haven't even opened them yet. ^_^;; I've gotten way behind on the story, and I'd have no idea what was going on. o.o;; And Lili-chan, we should talk about the contest sometime soon. Perhaps this weekend?

Erm ... can't talk *much*. ¬.¬

~phoenix went blind at 07:03 p.m. on Tuesday, October 30, 2001

Why is MSN being so damn slooooow ...? >_<

Happy fluffiness comes in the form of having finished Chamber of Secrets today. *niko* (I've gotta say, go Fawkes!! XD) Not that I actually had *time* -- noooo, that's why I've got nothing done on the three major projects due within the next couple of weeks. And yes, I can set aside an hour or so of work time to do leisure reading, even though I refuse to take an extra five minutes to figure out a calculus proof. My calculus book bothers me, anyway; I don't like the way it has "Calculus of a Single Variable" printed prominently on the cover. As if to say, "Ha! This is only ONE variable, you mathematical pansy!" *sigh* I suppose it's a problem when I think books are talking to me. _o_;; Well, some of them. Others are okay, if they want to get in touch with AngstWhore or something. I think she's atrophied. *nudges with foot*

Whoa, that was a fun and pointless tangent, wasn't it? XD;;

Mummy dearest bought a bunch of caramels -- you know, those cube-thingies? I haven't had one in years, and I've been popping them like ... well, candies. ^_^;; I'll be finished by week's end, I swear. And no, I'm *not* going to let the little kids have any. XD;;

Arara, Clara-san, don't say all that good stuff about Level E now that I decided *not* to get it! XO Though, I *could* get it later, even if the sale's over -- I mean, it's only three books ne? And I *have* heard lots of good things about Prince Baka. (Oh, and could you imagine if they came out with Windows XD? XD;;)

If anyone's looking for a nice, angsty song to dl, I suggest Kudo Shizuka's "Kirara." Yep, it's from Kami-sama, played during the exceptionally dramatic moments, like the beginning of ep. 12, when Masaki collapses (come on, like that's a spoiler n.n). Playing it, after having recently finished the series, just makes my chest tighten a little. I did say I was a pansy, yes? ^_^;;;

~phoenix went blind at 08:50 p.m. on Monday, October 29, 2001

So. Finished Kami-sama last night. And ... damn, but the ending sticks with you. I mean, all series endings have some sort of lingering effect on me; sometimes, when it's just an "Oh, we're going to stop telling the story now but you can imagine things will pretty much continue on like this" ending, the effect is nothing more than a slight nostalgia. But with melodramatic, think-back-to-the-beginning-and-commence-bawling endings like this, I'm left all introspective and lethargic, stuck on replaying everything in my mind. Especially the last scene in the church. Something about "Ave Maria" -- there was a memorial service at Ground Zero today, actually, and that was sung there -- is uniquely haunting. I'm really glad that scene wasn't the *end* end, though, because then it would've been creepy. o.o;; The actual, final ending was sad but somewhat cathartic. And man, I like that series. *watery smile*

Today was spent shopping in the southern territories (homework? what homework?), and at Kino's they had an anniversary sale going on like in Seattle. *niko* I got you HanaKimi 14 and 15. Other stuff was tempting me all over the place, with an insidious little voice nagging in my ear, "Since it's on sale, you might as well *try* it ..." (Though no discount on the CDs, che.) I really wanted to pick up Gun Blaze West tank 1, just to see how I'd like it -- but, let's face it, I'm not into Westerns. Even Watsuki Nobuhiro Westerns. ¬.¬ Level E got turned down, as well -- though I'd been looking for the sucker for years, ever since I heard good things about both its story and art (it's Togashi-sensei's "realistic" style). Instead, I went girly-girly and got Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne 1. As if I needed yet another distraction -- now, instead of sneaking away from my Senior Paper to read Chamber of Secrets, I'll be sneaking away to read Chamber of Secrets *and* hunt down manga translations. _o_;;

Speaking of distractions ... how come, now that it's *Sunday* *night* and I *really* need to get my homework done, all these fics I've been following get new parts?? Granted, NE 13 came out last night (omedetou, neechan! ^o^), but ... Che.

Oh, and you know every time I see something about Windows XP, I see the XP as a face. XP

~phoenix went blind at 06:46 p.m. on Sunday, October 28, 2001

I should really be working on my Senior Paper ... or my Government essay ... or my Meteorology project ... so I don't die of stress this week and next, when all the stuff is due. I'm even foregoing the anime showing tonight to have time to work. Yet the moment I get on the computer, all will to be productive seems to dissipate like so much steam. _o_;;

Maa. Ii ya.

Three more eps in Kami-sama! >o< *girds self up for angst* Well, whenever I feel like bawling my eyes out, I can think of the, erm, lighter-hearted moments of the series: "My God! She's swallowed an entire bottle of pills! Quick, I have to get her ... INTO THE BEDROOM!" XD;;

~phoenix went blind at 04:13 p.m. on Saturday, October 27, 2001

Last night for Government, we watched the movie In the Name of the Father. Ostensibly, the purpose of the viewing was to give us an introduction to our study of Northern Ireland, but the film has some chilling parallels to current events. Some of the lines were almost eerie, especially those referring to the "attack on the security" of England and the need to punish those responsible. It just -- sickens you, what you see the "law enforcement" doing to Gerard Conlon. And all in the pursuit of twisted justice (I still can't decide for myself whether the detectives truly believed they were doing the right thing, at least in the beginning). And one of the provisions of the Prevention of Terrorism Act that they were working under was that they could hold people for seven days without any criminal charges -- which just happens to be part of the legislation that is to be signed into law in our country today (though it applies only to non-residents). I have to admit, in recent days I'd been wondering why I so adamantly want to protect our civil rights at this time -- if it can catch more terrorists, why shouldn't we give the authorities more options? And this movie gave me the answer.

I'm not saying I think our police forces would or could abuse innocent people like this. I'm not saying that the four men convicted in the 1998 bombings of U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania are innocent like the Guildford Four. But I think we should be careful, very careful, about what choices we make in this "war on terrorism," and make sure we're always fighting for what we want to be fighting for.

You know, I've been collecting all my blog entries on the subject of September 11 and ensuing events, just for my own personal reference (and because I like hearing myself talk >.>). I know that I won't be able to keep this blog forever, and I think this, of all things, is an important subject about which to have a record of my thoughts. And, who knows, maybe it'll help my children on a report they have to write someday. O_o (I wonder what it'll be like, reading this in a few years. Because my opinions will probably have changed, at least somewhat. I might be embarassed at how pretentious I seem when some of the assumptions I've made are proven wrong. ^_^;;)

So ... after the movie, a few of us went out to Denny's. Didn't get back till almost midnight, but we didn't have school today so it was fine. ^_^; We had a nice, square meal of chocolate -- hot chocolate with chocolate pie that had chocolate chips and chocolate icing. XD;; And we talked for a really long time ... it was nice, because even if we all sit together at lunch we don't always get to really talk, and things are so busy we haven't gone out otherwise. We got into some deep issues, and it went well. Except at one point I snapped at you-know-who. He was interrupting me, but it wasn't really serious; I wouldn't have cared, except what he was saying. I only have one rule when it comes to debate, and it is that you Do Not Mock My Opinions. Disagree with me as much as you please, but I expect the same respect I accord other people. It was sort of a build-up of things, actually; first of all, I and another friend am infamous for our indecisiveness, but he was implying that my beliefs weren't strong. Now that really irks me, because though my opinions aren't extreme (and that's on purpose), the strength behind them is. He couldn't really have known that, though, so I don't hold it against him. But later, when we were discussing the draft and I was asked my opinion, he interrupted me before I could finish, and ... suffice it to say, he was speaking as if he knew what I was going to say -- which he couldn't, because the only place I have expressed my opinion on that issue is in this blog -- as well as being none too respectful of it. So I snapped, "Can I finish?" (Yes, that's me being rude. >_<)

Yes, I do have what I call "conditional" opinions. I avoid making absolutist statements, because frankly I can't believe in them. As I said to my friends in explanation, I can always see at least part of the opposing viewpoint, within reason. So I tend to hold off on major judgments unless I know the context -- I can't answer most "What if?" questions in a satisfactory manner because of that. But guess what? I'm proud of that. I try my hardest to be an open-minded person, not out of political correctness, but because I don't want to hold stubbornly to a bad idea and make a major decision based on it that causes me regret. Because of that, I hold strongly to a principle that basically boils down to the Golden Rule: if I say or do something about an issue, I think, what if my position were reversed with the opposition? Basically, is there a fallacy in my logic or moral judgment that causes a wrong to the other person?

Everything's okay with the friend, though. He's not mad or anything. And actually, I don't regret acting the way I did. Everyone has their sticking points, some button that you shouldn't push, and I hope I expressed by my actions that this is mine. Even so, I don't plan to debate/discuss opinions like that with that friend anymore. Doing other things is fine, but I didn't find this enjoyable (even though we agree on most things -- it's more attitude than what "side" a person's on, for me).

Or maybe it's just because this guy is "that" friend. Not only what's happened between us, but who we are, now -- I don't feel like I can have him as a close friend anymore. People grow, and obviously they can grow in ways that move them apart. There's no point in holding on uselessly. And what neko-chan said reminded me what friends should be. And why I love mine. In fact, it was largely from neko-chan that I got my respect for other people's beliefs, because hers is so strong. I also try to hold my ground like Lili-chan always does. And be strong like neechan. At the risk of sounding maudlin, I truly admire you guys. ^_^

Oh, and the Spriggan movie premieres tonight in the States. Everyone who can, go see it an support my boy Jean. XD;;

~phoenix went blind at 04:24 p.m. on Friday, October 26, 2001

The New York Times we ordered for Government class started coming in yesterday, and we're enjoying them immensely. Like one of my friends said, I'm really not sure how I settled for my local paper before. I mean, 20-odd page international/national news section? Unheard of here. XO!!

... Yeah, whatever, I'm a nerd. _o_

One thing I saw of interest in today's issue ... British Muslims, especially in Birmingham, where Muslims make up a third of the population, are conflicted as to where their loyalties lie. Understandable, because there are pushes to support one "side" or the other, however illusory the conflict might be. However, despite the repeated assurances that the war on terrorism is not a war on Islam or Afghanistan, there are some who outright refuse to believe that (there are some clear signs that show whether a war is being waged against a people/country, or just a certain group, and it BOTHERS me when people clearly ignore those signs). Look, I know that several countries, those in the Middle East included, have a legitimate beef with the United States and the rest of the Western powers, but there's no need for another Saladdin. This, especially, galls me:

Abu Ibrahim, a 28- year-old salesman, added, "This is blatantly a war against Islam and you have to be blind not to see that."

But Mr. Ibrahim, like other British Muslims, did not seem to feel bound by the decrees issued by people like Mr. bin Laden urging Muslims to rise up in support of Al Qaeda and the Taliban. "We live under the rules of this country and we must abide by those rules," he said.

This is like some rich yuppie who calls himself a hippie and renounces the "evils" of capitalism when he himself has had no firsthand experience of poverty -- a crusade (I use this word on purpose) for the sake of crusade. People like this want to assume the glory of being "rebels" while still embracing the comforts they have achieved through the very institutions they are denouncing. I'd like to see this guy live in Afghanistan -- with poverty, oppression, the whole kit and caboodle -- and see if he has enough idealism (to use the term VERY loosely and reluctantly) to fight for the "noble" cause of murder rather than, say, seeking actual solutions. To rally behind the cause of a madman who has enough time on his hands to both pervert a faith and wage a war of scare tactics instead of actually pushing for progress (because, you see, that would make him run out of things to hate). This is assuming, of course, that the guy, having lived in England for most of his life, would not have grown up brainwashed to believe overly simplistic and completely illogical "infallible truths," such as getting rid of the United States = getting rid of all the fighting in the world. There are those in Afghanistan and other places who have been raised like this, which is why we have terrorists in the first place.

Um ... */end rant*

Hey! People, go vote for RuroKen fics at Kakumei! There's only a week left to nominate! (Thanks for the plug, btw, neechan.)

My senior project is going along all right, provided I can BS my way through an eight-page rough draft in the next three weeks. XD;; I've gotten some sources already, and have a good idea of what else to look for. I'm also considering getting this. Because Henry Jenkins is cool.

Oooh ... I want.

~phoenix went blind at 08:13 p.m. on Wednesday, October 24, 2001

My English teacher -- the one not assigning homework this week, out of pity for our poor, over-worked selves -- informed us this morning that we did have one homework assignment: to "do something for yourself." Methinks she's doing this because she's realized that we ARE as freakishly neurotic as we seem. o.o;; As for me, I don't know; I don't have much time tonight, so maybe I'll just use reading CoS as my one self-indulgent deed. I could, of course, try writing some fic ... but, well, that would be being productive, wouldn't it? ^_~;;

I'm in an oddly good mood today. I dunno why, but it's a nice feeling. ^_^

~phoenix went blind at 06:56 p.m. on Tuesday, October 23, 2001

*gigglegiggle*

I! Have! Chamber! of! Secrets! XD XD XD See, I usually go to the library after school and hang out with a friend there (or try to get something accomplished on the computer in the space of five minutes), but I wasn't going to go because I had a club meeting today. It got out early, though, so I decided to stop by, and lo and behold! It was there. I got Prisoner of Azkaban for good measure, too. *giggle* And I'd just caved and started a new book last night. Ah, well. ^_^;;

Unfortunately, however, the reason I decided to actually go to the library -- my friend who's usually there -- was not. And I wanted to talk to her, because her name is Kai-chan. And, yes, Bean enacted his plan sometime between Friday and today, asking her to Homecoming. And she said no. XO (Okay, so only you really care about this. ^_^;;) From what I heard when he was talking to one of her friends (I tried not to eavesdrop, really! >o<;;), she said no because she had some previously made plans, not because she didn't want to go with him. And her friend also said that, whatever he did, it was really sweet. I wish I'd *seen* it, though! And I don't want to remind Bean of it by asking him, so I wanted to talk to Kai-chan, but she wasn't there, so ... *pouts*

Oh, and I forgot to ask if anyone is watching Fruits Basket. (FuruBa? That's what it says in my Animedia. ^_^;;) I think they're all stuck on GTO, still. (Friend 1: "That show sucks. It's like ... GT Crap." Friend 2: "That doesn't even make SENSE." XD;;)

Lili-chan, glad to hear you had, erm ... fun at your soccer game. ^_^;;

I know what you're saying, Ayuru-san ... Of course you want to help your friend, and stopping -- even when it's clear it's not working -- can feel like you're giving up on them. But, as a lesson I so recently had driven home, it's THEIR problem. No matter what you do -- cliched as it sounds -- only they can sort out their own issues. Persisting in "helping" them only drains you. And if we're similar in our bottling up of anger, which I think we are, the frustration that builds up from this person's continued rejection of your support will create a lot of resentment in you towards them. At least, that's what happened to me. ~_~

You know, finally resolving that issue with my friend really helped a lot, I think. I'd been feeling -- not depressed -- but more like in a serious funk. I was continually feeling frustrated, and unable to be enthusiastic about things like writing and just being with my friends ... but I think I'm out of it now. I don't really know what it was -- I kind of felt the same way at the beginning of the year last year, but for different reasons. But whatever it was, it seems to be gone now. I've fixed my social problems; my English teacher, though not giving us class time to work on our Senior Papers, is holding off on homework for this week to relieve our stress load (and my Government teacher is doing that the week after next); and, hey, I finally got Chamber of Secrets. Maybe I just ran out of things to complain about. XD;;

Um, Vinita-san, I don't know if there's anything I can say -- I don't know if you wanted anyone to say anything, or if you just wanted to vent. But one thing I did want to tell you is that you are NOT a coward. If you're feeling the way you seem to be at times, it takes more strength not to give up than it does to grit your teeth and stick with it. We're not as afraid of death as we think; at least, not in these situations. Suicide isn't being brave and facing "scary" death; it's giving up and picking a solution that, though at other times it would be frightening, in the end seems easier than what's going on in life. I know you're not having these thoughts regularly, but just, if you ever do again, just ... I don't know, try to endure it and wait until you feel better and can look back and think, "How did I manage to overcome THAT? But I DID." I know I couldn't possibly know what you're feeling, in school or family or whatever, because it's so different for everyone, but I know that after despair there's always a respite.

Ugh. I'm not a therapist, and I really wasn't trying to be. But, uh, just consider this entry my "social connections" blog of the week. Or something. >_<;;

~phoenix went blind at 08:47 p.m. on Monday, October 22, 2001

In doing research for my Senior Project, I've been looking online for sources about fanfiction. It's rather sad, really, that I have to look for "official" writings about fic -- which are usually limited to rather redundant articles of which half the material is devoted to defining the term, and whose treatment of the concept is limited to something of a clinical examination of a curiosity -- instead of using the far more accurate, in-depth, and up-to-date source of, say, my own experience, or those of my friends. ~_~ I mean, I could tell you that, duh, there's a lot of slash/yaoi out there. Or that most fic writers are female. Or that, since there are no publication guidelines to stop anyone, there's a wide spectrum of quality. And yes, we post our fics to these new-fangled "mailing lists" and "fanfiction archives." >_<

It doesn't help that most of the material I find is rather fixated on the existence of slash, and the focus of my paper is the viability of fanfic as a significant and potentially positive part of pop culture (say that three times fast), with the conflict over issues such as copyright and slash as a secondary topic. Che. Could I interview myself and count that as a source? >.>

And most of what I find is about Star Trek. Not surprising, since that's widely considered the birthplace of modern fanfiction (and slash), but ... that's no fun to read about. n.n And there was this wonderfully thorough 20-page article on the fan dynamics and role of fanfiction in ... MSR. o.o Now why can't someone do that for anime?

~phoenix went blind at 04:16 p.m. on Sunday, October 21, 2001

Heh. Last night we watched the next four episodes of Dual, which I'd been waiting for. I'd been stuck on the cliffhanger from the end of the second DVD since, what, June? O_o But it was cool -- two eps left, and things are getting se~~rious now ... >o<;; Initial D was also fun, but for some reason I can't get myself to get into the series as a whole. ^_^;; The guys really like it, though; says one (you know who), "How can you not like this series? It's got cars ... and girls." ~_~;; Everything at last night's showing involved some sort of mecha or at least machinery ... which I don't MIND, really, but I wish we had more variety. Like Saiyuuki. Or KareKano. T_T People would like the latter, even if it IS "girly" -- I know FushiYuu didn't get much enthusiasm, but KareKano is definitely far from a typical shoujo ... *pouts*

Glad to hear you had a fun (if disease-ridden) birthday, Vinita-san! Ooh, I am so envious of your owning Chamber of Secrets and Prisoner of Azkaban ... (Yes, I fixate. XP) You know I actually had those books in my DREAM last night? I asked for CoS in a library or something and ended up with all four books -- except instead of Goblet of Fire I somehow got what was supposed to be the seventh book. O_o Danged if I can remember the supposed title, though.

Uwaaaa, Clara-san, please don't say we're grown up. It's scary. T_T I'm going to be proudly calling myself Phoenix in college, if only to appease my inner child. XD;;

~phoenix went blind at 01:46 p.m. on Sunday, October 21, 2001

Ugh. I have a headache from reading my smelly 1960s copy of Othello for English class, plus the ever so fragrant odor of burning corn that has pervaded the house since noon. X_x

Sankyuu for the support, really. It makes me feel warm and squishy. XD He called last night to sort out what's been happening (he's actually a nice person, despite the impression I may give at times), and I pretty much unloaded everything I'd been feeling -- I didn't yell, because I can't yell at people, even over the phone. >.> BUT ... I didn't apologize. At all. Which is something of an accomplishment for me, since I have a tendency to apologize for things that aren't my fault just because I feel bad that something in the world sucks. ¬.¬ Everything's definitely not fine and dandy, because he really does have lots of issues to work through. But something that I can say on his behalf is that, when we actually get to talking, he is interested in doing his part to fixing problems. I don't know if this will be the time that it *really* works, or if it just *won't*, ever, or if he'll be fine but we won't be friends in the same way as before, or whatever. But I'm seeing him tonight at the anime showing. Wish me luck. :/

*patpats* to you and you and you. ^_^;;

In happier news, I got to watch more of Kami-sama last night. *niko* I'm now halfway done with the series ... And if you thought it was angsty before this point, HA! This is where it really kicks in. (Wait, did I say "happier"? XD;;)

~phoenix went blind at 04:32 p.m. on Saturday, October 20, 2001

It's sad what happens when I don't have Photoshop, isn't it? ^_^;; But Rent had been up for too long and I didn't want to get sick of it. So ... here's my crappy temp layout, a product of boredom and staring too much at my happy neon GALS! wallpaper. XD;;

I'm in an oddly good mood, considering. True, it's Friday, and I don't have much homework, but today I did finally get fed up with a Certain Person (whom I've ranted about a little before here, and extensively with neechan). I didn't yell at him or anything; I didn't actually talk to him, in the end, because I'm a wimpy non-confrontational little birdie. n.n But I made up my mind to stop trying to kill myself being his friend. Before, I'd kept making excuses. "But if he does it *one* more time ..." Except every time, things got better and there was no reason to be mad anymore. This time, after I said that to myself, something did happen -- nothing really big, but it made me realize that I'd been taking too much crap and I couldn't put up with it anymore. I tried really, really hard to be a good friend, but it got to be too much. Sure, being real friends means it's not always going to be sweetness and light, but there's got to be *something* positive coming out of it. And there hadn't been for a long time. That little thing that happened just made my tolerance snap. I got so mad -- disproportionatetly so, but it had built up -- I honestly wanted to both slap him and cry. Both of which are Things I Don't Do.

I'm not saying I'm definitely not being friends with him anymore, but I'm not trying to fix everything anymore. If he thinks there's a problem, he's got to come to *me* this time to fix it.

Ugh. I feel better now I've done it, but talking about it makes me remember that losing a friend like this is sucky.

Other stuff ... >.> For those interested, we did have the DDR contest today. It was hardly anything, though -- a representative from each class competed once against another class, and then the two winners did a song against each other. I'd sort of figured that in the try-outs for this thing, they'd have the people ... well, try out. o.o;; But the freshman and sophomore who did it had never DDRed before, and it was obvious. They failed (they weren't doing it on Practice Mode for some reason) within seconds. O_o The junior and senior, however, were Charlotte and a guy named Chris who's apparently a big DDRer. They did Captain Jack. It was great. XD (But Bean didn't get to go because of some screw-up with the organization of the assembly. T_T)

You know, my library has three copies of Chamber of Secrets. Three. And they're *all* freaking overdue. >_< (It's kind of sad, how I think of overdue books as some kind of personal insult to me. XP) I want to read it, demmit! I want to read that so I can go on to Prisoner of Azkaban. I want to meet Sirius and Lupin. Badly. XO

And ... I still don't know if I'm going to go to Homecoming. ~_~

Oh, and we started relative rates today. Jooooy. XP

~phoenix went blind at 06:38 p.m. on Friday, October 19, 2001