Friday, August 3, 2001 // 09:39 p.m.

"Anemone," L'Arc~en~Ciel

Well, that was easy. The day after I make my resolution to be a "tougher, better" friend, it works. o.o Well, with one person, at least. We were talking at my house after he dropped me off, and I remember feeling sort of tired and just wanting to be alone. But then I thought, why cut him off when I could use this opportunity to have The Talk, and end the problem? So I did. (More or less. Nothing ever goes to script, anyway.) But I think I got my point(s) across. I didn't shy away from saying anything, this time; though I probably did soften my words once in awhile, out of habit. What surprised me was how easy it was; I expected him to possibly get mad or be hurt, because what I wanted to say wasn't exactly easy stuff to hear. But he seemed to understand quite well -- I think, on some level, he knew it himself and just needed to hear it said out loud. Now, one more Talk with the other friend involved in this, and I think we'll be conflict-free by the time I leave for Cali. Well, there is one more problem -- I need learn to butt out. XP I worry about my friends, so whenever they have a problem I try, whether I realize it or not, to solve it for them. Which of course doesn't work. This is why, though I am involving myself with the issue between these two, I am limiting my actions to what I think are their individual problems, and leaving the resolution of the actual conflict to them.

FTA 2 would have been finished yesterday, but my friends picked me up in the middle of the last scene. >_< Ah, well. I think I'll be done tonight. And I know I haven't replied to your fic, but you realize I haven't replied to any of your emails. XD;;;

Hope you are feeling better, whatever it is (and if not, I'm here for any ranting you need to do ^_^;). If it makes you feel better, it actually wasn't neko-chan who got me into RENT. I was honestly interested in it when you bought it, having heard the school choir perform "Seasons of Love," but I guess I was just distracted by Chicago, Les Mis, and Miss Saigon. *shrugs* I didn't get into it until I downloaded "Another Day" because of an AoMisao songfic. ^_^; I liked the song, then found "I'll Cover You" and fell absolutely, maddeningly in love with that. XD

Track listing for Noir soundtrack:
1. Kopperia no Hitsugi
2. Les Soldats
3. Snow
4. Canta Per Me
5. Corsican Corridor
6. Ode to Power
7. Solitude by the Window
8. Romance
9. Silent Pain
10. Lullaby
11. Melodie
12. Chloe
13. Whispering Hills
14. Zero Hour
15. Liar You Lie
16. Sorrow
17. Salva Nos
18. Kirei na Kanjou

I thought Yahoo! Groups was functioning normally again, since I hadn't missed any messages for a couple of days, but it's not. Chikusho. >_<

Thursday, August 2, 2001 // 03:19 p.m.

"Agehachou," Porno Graffiti

You're right, neko-chan, this song is maddeningly catchy. Now I just gotta explain to my parents why me looking up Porno Graffiti on the Net is not a bad thing. XD;;

As for Noir suggestions ... Really, any of it is good. I was lucky enough that a friend gave me the entire soundtrack -- I don't normally go surfing for BGMs, so I would've missed it otherwise. Or maybe not; after hearing the music in the first episode, I was hooked. XD Obviously the OP and ED themes are good choices (Kopperia no Hitsugi and Kirei na Kanjou, if you haven't gotten them already -- the latter's by Arai Akino). My personal favorites (actually, Canta Per Me is my absolute favorite ^_^) are Salva Nos, Lullaby, and Snow. And then there's Melodie, which you hear All the Time if you watch the anime, but it's still good. XD;;

Thursday, August 2, 2001 // 01:25 p.m.

"Love~Destiny~" Hamasaki Ayumi

So. I've decided I'm tired of accomodating people. I realize that in itself sounds like an unhealthy action; I actually can't tell you for sure if I've been acting the part of a good friend or righteous martyr. But in any case, I'm not going to try so hard any longer to soothe and comfort these few people I've been acting this way to; I'm no longer going to bite my tongue when I think they're acting badly. There's just so many people suffering through no fault of their own -- health problems and money issues, all in close vicinity to me -- that it seems selfishly blind for these people to deliberately act in a way that can potentially bring harm, to themselves or others. I just wish they'd stop to think about their actions beyond their own immediate concerns or desires. Perhaps then they could keep just a little misery out of the world. And it's really too bad that it's had to come to this. Perhaps it's only my own inflated sense of self-importance, but I valued being someone that these people could really talk to. But I can't do that anymore, at least not in they way I've been doing it, because it's not solving their problems. I still want to be their friends, but not their keepers. I regret the loss for both sides; but when it comes down to it, no matter how much I want to be there for the people I care about, it's ultimately more important for me to be able to live with myself than to be someone's confidant.

That sounds terribly morbid, doesn't it? It's really not; it's just me indulging in my adolescent penchant for melodrama. n.n I actually had a lot of fun last night, for the most part. I went to swing class, and the instructor had her friend come in so they could demonstrate moves. It was really fun to watch them dance; in one song, they did what seemed like a continuous series of related moves, but it was actually a large amount of West Coast Swing (what we're learning) with transitions into East Coast and cha cha. Later, as we were practicing and rotating partners, the instructor-friend joined in as well to help alleviate the uneven male-female ratio. He did some advanced moves with those he danced with, including my friend; but when we asked him to teach us a step, he used me as a guinea pig. He was a really good lead, obviously because of his experience, and it wasn't hard at all to know what to do. But when he slowly walked me through the beginning of a very involved move to show the others, then went up to super-tempo for the spin-spin, backstep-backstep, spin-spin, backspin-spin, man, that was crazy fun. XD;;;

Monday, July 30, 2001 // 05:26 p.m.

"Unite!" Hamasaki Ayumi

I stayed up till 4:30 last night reading, and didn't get up until 1:00. At which point I went with my mom grocery shopping. n.n

Yesterday we went to Kino's, which was good. ^_^ I got Recca 29; I haven't read it all the way through yet, but I know what part Talya-san was talking about ...! ;_; I like how it was done; Anzai did well with the, er, similar situation with Hisui, too. *dances to avoid stepping on spoilers* The bit with Kurei was good, too. Very fitting for the way his character is. ;_;

I also checked to see if they had "Lucy," just in case, but they didn't. Or it was all sold out, which I doubt. Anyway, they did have Ayu's "Best" album, which I still want, as well as her new single, "Unite!" And apparently X-Japan re-released "Forever Love," for unknown reasons. ?_? (And I looked for Ayatsuri Sakon, neko-chan, but didn't see it anywhere. @_@ I checked all of the Jump section, but for some reason couldn't find it. I'll have to study the kanji again to make sure I got it right.)

You'll be happy to know, Lili-chan, that I got a box of Pretz while I was there. XD Salad flavored, of course. I like it; it reminded me of something I couldn't place, and I think I know what it is now. Have you ever had Chicken in a Biscut crackers? Because I think that's it. ^_^;; It also vaguely tasted of plain Goldfish crackers, which is what I assume the regular biscuit flavor would be. I couldn't resist getting some of my Creamy Chocolate Pocky, though -- Mummy Dearest got me four boxes. XD;; I swear I'm addicted. But I looked at all the flavors they had, and they seem intriguing -- coconut, crushed almond, crushed almond with white chocolate, giant (those would be fun to eat ^_^), even "Men's Pocky." O_o I didn't try any of them, though; especially not the mousse flavor, because that just had substance abuse written all over it. o.o

I guess that's it. Perhaps I'll watch more Love Hina; I watched through ep. 3 last night, and it was quite amusing. It's so fun to see Ueda Yuuji as a nerdish, hen-pecked type. XD Or I can go see if I can finish FTA 2; there's only one scene left to write. Actually, one event -- that could mean many different scenes. @_@ We'll see.

Saturday, July 28, 2001 // 09:13 p.m.

"Spirit Dreams Inside," L'Arc~en~Ciel

Before dinner, I was IMing neechan, who was also with our little cousins. I chatted with one whom I haven't talked to in a long time ... and my goodness is she weird. I mean, I always knew she was, but I guess I forgot since I last saw her. But she is certainly an odd one. ^_^;;

*snickers* Translation from Jeffrey's Japanese-English Dictionary: "nitouryuu - (n) school which teaches the techniques of fencing with a sword in each hand; person who likes both liquor and sweets." Anou, Aoshi-sama ... XD;;

Yosh'! Back to writing! ^_^

Saturday, July 28, 2001 // 05:12 p.m.

"My Best Friend," Sakamoto Maaya

Getting less grief from Yahoo! Groups ... Just today, it delivered a backlog of most (but not all) of the messages I'd been missing from the AMML. But it's still randomly eating messages, and I have to check the online archive regularly to make sure I don't miss anything. Bah. ~_~ Oh, and FF.Net has been weird for me, too, neko-chan. (I don't like it when things don't work right. Can we tell I'm a hopeless Type A personality? >_<)

Translation of Ayu's "Who," neechan. You pretty much had it right.

I did get some writing done last night -- two more pages of FTA 2. Anou, neechan ... this is going to be kind of a long chapter, if we want to go all the way to Kaoru's birthday party. ^_^; And speaking of Kaoru -- it's sort of difficult for me to write her, because I actually haven't before. I haven't spent time laboriously (and probably needlessly -- but, hell, I am Type A) analyzing her character as I've done with Aoshi, Misao, Kenshin, and even Sano and Megumi, to an extent. (I haven't written them yet, no, but I've planned a lot. n.n) I'm afraid I'm just sort of regurgitating the characterization already developed for her by RuroKen fandom. It's not that I think there's anything wrong with following the majority ... but there's a certain amount of narcissistic pleasure to be found in being able to say, "This is a way of writing this character that is both accurate and unique, and I found it." Or something. I'm even more comfortable with Yahiko, I think.

As for my latest Soapbox, I've given up on that. I'm just going to post a persuasive paper I wrote during the school year. My muse is being difficult.

Friday, July 27, 2001 // 06:08 p.m.

"Hold On To The Night," Richard Marx

Remember what I said about my old-soft-rock-addiction? Well, here ya go. I've moved on to Richard Marx now. o.o;;

Happy birthday to Talya-san and becki! *throws some confetti your way*

Wah! NightMajik got a blog, and I didn't know! And it was over a month ago. ^_^;;

What else? Boring, boring ... Wait, I have summer reading and writing, which is both boring AND annoying, as it cuts into my ficking and Xanth-reading time. XP Aargh, where did my summer go? (I know, I have more than a month left. Still.)

I'm probably (hopefully) going to visit neechan next month, though! Be forewarned that I will be bringing either "Grendel" or "Pride and Prejudice," and possibly my "literary journal," depending. Plus Comparative Government stuff. >_< Ganbatte on Nissei, btw; I'm still plugging away at FTA 2.

Yahoo! Groups is STILL being stupid. *bangs head on table*

Thursday, July 26, 2001 // 06:29 p.m.

"Internal," Sakamoto Miu

Blah. I am in no way feeling coherent -- nor, for that matter, very sociable. There are Things that I need to deal with; they concern my friends, and I'm currently alternating between concern for them and anger that they don't see what they're doing to themselves and to the rest of us. At some point in the very near future, I am going to have to sit down and have individual talks with each of them; I'm fairly sure they'll listen to what I say -- at least, after they have some time to consider it -- but before that, they may shut me out, or get either angry or hurt. I'm not sure which; they all seem possible at the moment. And it's not that I'm putting this on myself; I really do have to do it. There are three people involved in this ... conflict (for lack of a better word), and I'm the only one who has observed it closely enough and objectively; the other two people in our group are not significantly affected, and have a tendency to ignore problems. -_-;;

I was talking to my mom about this last night, and she says I need to study psychology. It's good to talk to her about personal problems, though; she's often quite insightful. I used to think it was just a maternal thing, but she does have a bachelor's in psychology. So.

I actually did have a good time last night, especially at swing class. We learned two new moves, the Tunnel and the Tuck and Turn (which is actually a spinoff of the former). The thing about the Tunnel is that, though it's rather interesting (especially for the guy, who for the rest of the time has to stay in place doing the basic step while the girl turns and does other fun stuff), it involves the girl (me) going around the back of the guy. It feels rather awkward, like I'm sneaking my way around behind my partner. Certainly it looks fun, to viewers, but I'm the one who has to shimmy my way koso koso around him. o.o;;

I do have fun with my friends; that's why they're my friends. But until this issue is resolved, I'm going to remain somewhat ambivalent towards them, no matter what. It's just that it's been going on for quite a while; and there's one of them in particular whom I've been accomodating for far too long (neechan, you should know who). And quite frankly, I'm tired. I just have to remember not to let my impatience get the better of me when I talk to them, or I won't be able to accomplish my purpose.

Which is why I'm not feeling quite up to writing a response/rebuttal to this site, though my feelings are quite strong. (About the members of the clique, not the clique in general. I rather support the idea.) Even a rant requires a certain amount of eloquence that I just can't seem to muster. My thoughts as I read the "pledges" of the members amounted to little more than the instinctual responses of: "Homophobe." "Bigot." "Obsessive teenybopper." "Unable to differentiate fantasy from reality." "Insecure in your masculinity." "Waaaaaaay too involved in a cartoon." I mean, wow. Just when you think people have hit rock bottom, huh?

Wednesday, July 25, 2001 // 03:23 p.m.

"Fate," L'Arc~en~Ciel

Ugh. Yahoo!Groups has been really weird lately and is delivering my ML mail on a largely sporadic basis. Half the messages arrive several hours late, a few right on time, and some not at all. Now I have to keep checking the online archive to make sure I'm not missing anything. -_-;;

I should be leaving for anime in an hour, but I don't know if I have a ride yet. Che.

Wednesday, July 25, 2001 // 12:16 p.m.

"One Song Glory (Italian)," RENT

As I mentioned yesterday, I went to see "America's Sweethearts." It was a cute, if largely forgettable movie. Hank Azaria was hilarious, though; I always love his accents, and it killed me how he always talked about the "hunkit." And John Cusack was a cutie. *niko*

Despite that, I had a really good time yesterday. It was a great girls' night out, of which I have not sufficiently had in a month or so (even if it wasn't out, per se -- where could we go in Vancouver? -_-;;). After the movie, the three of us had dinner and then went to one girl's house, where we just sat on couches -- and talked. For HOURS. ^_^;; It was chick talk -- but it was intelligent chick talk. We talked about everything from dental surgery to politics; religion and morality (which we do not consider the same thing); classes and the principle of self-teaching in the presence of an incompetent teacher; and -- in a distinctly female turn -- guys, girlfriends, chauvinism, sex, marriage, and the social experiences of intelligent females in public school. o.o

We do have rather unique experiences among the rest of our peers; the three of us are always described by other people as the "smart ones," for better or for worse. And that carries its own difficulties, especially in social interaction. This includes dating as well as friendships. Only one of us has had an actual boyfriend, and another one been kissed (not the same one, go figure), while the other of us -- me -- has had neither. n.n And it's not that we are unattractive or unapproachable -- at least I wouldn't think. Maybe it's that people don't think we care about that kind of thing, or maybe they're intimidated by our intelligence -- at least, that's what we've been told, and we cling to that as our last hope. ^_^;; (We wondered why we had become pariahs of sorts in the social structure -- and realized it's probably because we use the word "pariahs." -_-;;) And while we don't concern ourselves on a regular basis with having a boyfriend, we talked about how each of us would like to have someone special, or at least have the chance to consider it. We all like to be strong individuals, but we do share a small desire for female vulnerability -- for one of us, who's quite tall, it's a guy who can make her feel small and protected; for another, it's the hand you can always hold, or the shoulder that will be there if you ever need to lean on it, that she had with her first boyfriend; for me, it's having someone who will hold you if you cry, and tuck your head under his chin and make you feel like there's no one else in the world. Maybe that desire -- or at least its intensity -- is something unique to us, because we've spent so long being thought of as simply "smart," and not necessarily as feminine. But the idea has always appealed to me -- I've always wanted to be someone's "taisetsu na hito." I don't want to be the most important thing in someone's life, but I do want to be thought of in that special way that doesn't apply to anyone else. At the same time, the prospect of marriage intimidated all of us -- having that one person you'll spend decades of your life with, and having to work and compromise and sacrifice to make this relationship with this one person work. I suppose that's my romanticism warring with my teenage capriciousness.

Whatever. This is probably boring to people. But it is immensely gratifying to be able to talk to people who think the same way you do. I love debate as much as (probably more than n.n) anyone else, but sometimes you just need people to agree with. Not that we shared the same views on everything; we all had unique experiences even within our common bond as intelligent, somewhat loner females. But, well, our school is largely populated by strongly religous, conservative, popular people -- though they're nice enough -- and what we have in common is enough to make me grateful. ^_^;;

Tuesday, July 24, 2001 // 12:37 p.m.

"After All," Peter Cetera and Cher

Ooh, old-school soft rock. I'm just in the mood for lovey-doveyness, I guess; I'm going to see a shameless chick flick ("America's Sweethearts") in about four hours, if that's any indication. XD;;

I'm considering the possible merits of lending my Rent to a guy friend for sampling. Certainly, I'd like to introduce more of my friends to it, if they're open to musicals; but -- well -- they are guys, with the, ah, expected guy mindsets concerning the material covered in Rent. (As I've discovered. >_<) Now, they've expressed interest in it, so I should give them a chance; but I'm not sure if it's worth it for me to have to part with my CD for -- I don't know, a few days at the least -- to give it to someone who may very well not even like it. I mean, you can bet they wouldn't appreciate the "Brothers!" part like we did. XD;;;

Ah, well. Maybe I'll just burn it for him.

Monday, July 23, 2001 // 06:31 p.m.

"Toki ni Ai wa," Okui Masami

RENT. Lucy. RENT. Lucy. RENT. Lucy.

In case you wanted to know what CDs I've been listening to. XD;;

Hum ... I've not got much to say, since nothing has really happened. Except, I like to be alone. ^_^;; I've been spending a lot of time with my friends lately, moreso than I usually do during the school year, and I realized yesterday just how much I value my solitude. Not that I like to be alone all the time -- just as I'd suspect that "social" people wouldn't want to spend every moment of the day with others, either -- but I am definitely a person who needs "me" time. Preferably every day. -_-;; I realize that deeper interaction with people results in more serious relationships, and the increased possibility of conflict -- therefore my time with this particular group of friends isn't all just mindless, lighthearted fun anymore. Good and bad in that. But right now, I'm sort of weary of it all and would like to be by myself for a spell. n.n (Or with dear people I've already long become comfortable with. In a perfect world.)

I hope that doesn't sound too morbid. I still value my friends, and I like them a lot. But I think we're still in that stage where we're transitioning from regular acquaintances to true friends, who deal with the good and the bad in each other and our relationships. I'm just a bit tired from all of it, and I need some time away.

In other news, I wrote a page in FTA 2. W00t. XD;;

Saturday, July 21, 2001 // 05:07 p.m.

Ugh. This layout looks ugly in anything but 800x600. >_< And the color of the font ... I still can't find one I like. Oh well.

Saturday, July 21, 2001 // 04:52 p.m.

"Are You My Happiness?" Annie Yi

New layout. Hoping it works. It's odd, because I haven't watched any Kodocha for a month or so. ^_^; But I made this layout before school ended, in a last-ditch effort to utilize my Photoshop access. I also did another one, based entirely on RENT lyrics, to demonstrate to the world the unhealthy extent of my obsession. XD;;

Gomen ne, neko-chan! My connection self-destructed, and then I had no chance to get back on last night. O_o I tried to IM you one last time before I was cut off, but I guess that didn't go through. ^_^;; (And you do have an ecchi mind. Never mind that I nearly sprayed my screen when I read that, as well. XD;;)

Um. I had more to say before this. Um ... I got to talk to neechan on the phone last night, and it was fun. I wub you, neechan! *noogie*